


like a breath

by orphan_account



Series: in your oceans [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fist Fight, M/M, Mutual Pining, Shiratorizawa, Stand Alone, Trans Goshiki Tsutomu, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Violence, Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:34:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23945524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He can’t believe he’s asking Satori for dating advice.Tendou Satori, of all people.In which Yamagata Hayato is horribly oblivious and when he finally realises he has romantic feelings for Goshiki Tsutomu, he has no idea what to do with it.
Relationships: Goshiki Tsutomu/Yamagata Hayato
Series: in your oceans [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1720924
Kudos: 82





	like a breath

**Author's Note:**

> This is for [Haikyuu Rarepair week 2020](https://twitter.com/HQRareWeek2020) !!
> 
>  **Day 4** – Victory // ~~Castle~~ // ~~Magic!AU~~

_» you’re coming strong, we’re running thin, I taste desire in your[breath](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5dq1IFjs04)_

[0]

And then, he starts speaking again. Three words, tumbling out of his mouth like tiny paper birds with clipped wings, and Hayato knows the kid is scared to death, even though he tries not to show it.

 _I am transgender_.

In this exact moment, syllables falling to the ground like dusty raindrops dripping out of a trembling boys’ eyes, Hayato knows.

He would do anything to protect Goshiki Tsutomu from harm.

[1]

“Did you hear about …?”

Hayato tries his best to not listen to the murmurs around him, but he can’t help it. There’s just so much, a constant background noise with single words emerging from the depths of people’s hateful minds.

“There’s a _girl_ on the boys volleyball team …”

Before he can think about it, he turns around.

He knows this guy’s face. Maybe he’s from another sports club, Hayato thinks. He’s about as tall as Wakatoshi, if not taller, and equally broadly built.

“He’s not a girl,” Hayato says, voice grave and fists shaking violently from the anger burning through his stomach.

The guy looks at him, lips a grimacing parody of a smile.

“Heard she pretends to be a boy, huh? I really don’t get why someone as traditional and strict as Washijou-sensei would let that happen. A _girl_ on the _boys_ tea-“

He doesn’t think. Or, well, maybe he does, and his thoughts are somewhere in between of, _Washijou-sensei was more supportive of Tsutomu being transgender than anyone of you shitheads could ever imagine_ and _call him a girl one more time and I will break your teeth_.

All he does is gripping at the front of the guy’s shirt while shoving him against a wall with a loud _thump_.

“Shut up,” he spits. “Tsutomu’s not a girl, you stupid fuck!”

The guy huffs. Something in his eyes gleams. It’s equally upsetting and challenging.

“What the fuck is wrong with you,” he asks, grinning, and tries to pry Hayato’s hands off his collar. “She’s a fucking girl and no matter how much you pretend she’s not, it will not change a …”

Everything happens so fast.

Someone screams.

Voices are getting louder.

There’s a numb but throbbing sensation in his fist. He feels something crashing into his face, sharp pain exploding in his cheek bone.

He tries to get hold of the guy, grabbing whatever he can reach, and his touch gets slippery, even though he doesn’t know why.

There’s a weight on his chest, and pain, and resistance, and so much anger burning inside of him, that he almost doesn’t realise the other guy and he are dragged from each other by their teachers.

Hayato blinks confusedly while his literature teacher, Yamada-sensei, yells at him to _calm down_.

It is as if his mind snaps back to reality, as if his consciousness is slowly emerging from a deep, black sea.

He suddenly realises that the guy in front of him, held down by another teacher, is bleeding out of his nose. The sticky, wet feeling on Hayato’s hand might be his blood, after all.

Well.

Shit.

[2]

“You are expelled from club activities for three weeks,” the principal says. “I will not tolerate violence in my school.”

“I beg your pardon,” Hayato says but he really doesn’t mean it.

“You broke Azuma-kun’s nose.”

“I am sorry.”

“You also ripped his shirt.”

“Yes. I am sorry.”

The principal eyes him with something like concern on his face.

“Yamagata-kun,” he finally says, sighing deeply. “I talked to your homeroom teacher and to your volleyball coach. Both said you never acted violent before, or even slightly aggressive. It’s quite the contrary. I was told you’re a good student and very supportive of your classmates and kouhai. Why did you lash out like this?”

Hayato blinks at him – as far as possible, with his right cheek swollen like this. He had dropped the ice pack a while ago, not really in the mood for doing _anything_ right now.

“He … said something bad about my teammate,” Hayato explains weakly. “One of our new team members is transgender. He – Azuma, I mean, he said … disgusting stuff about him. I think I just … snapped.”

The principal nods slowly, leaning back into his chair.

“I see. Thank you for your honesty. Well … you can go now, Yamagata-kun.”

“Yes. Thank you, sir.”

[3]

“Yamagata-senpai!!”

When Hayato goes back into his dorm’s building and heads straight for his room, he definitely isn’t expecting Goshiki Tsutomu to stand in front of his room.

Startled, he stares at the tall and lanky boy with his kind of ridiculous but also kind of cute bowl cut. If there had been Eita, Wakatoshi, or Reon, or maybe even Satori, he wouldn’t have been surprised. But Tsutomu?

“Hey,” he greets and slowly comes closer. For some reason, he is not too happy about Tsutomu seeing him like this.

“I – I heard you got into a fight!!” His kouhai yells in his usual loud voice.

Hayato grits his teeth and shrugs. He watches Tsutomu and sees the slight quivering of his body; sees how tense his shoulders are and how insecure he is under his over-excitable façade.

Maybe he’s scared of Hayato now because he really _did_ get into a fist fight. He. Yamagata Hayato. It not like he doesn’t know people think he’s up to no good because of his default grim face and his hair style, but in reality, under all of his rough exterior and his cool behaviour, he’s maybe just as peaceful as Reon.

( _He doesn’t know this, but his team is very much aware of this fact. And even Goshiki Tsutomu, who has only known him for three weeks, is sure that whatever happened to make Yamagata-senpai this angry, must have been something very disturbing_.)

“It’s fine, Tsutomu. Don’t worry.”

“C-can I help you somehow? Do you need an ice pack? I can go and get one for you!! … If you tell me where to get one, that is, but still!!”

Even though his loud voice makes the throbbing pain in his head worse, he can’t help but smile.

“It’s fine. Step aside, will you? Let’s go inside … How do you even know about this? I think I didn’t tell anyone?”

Hayato opens his door and steps inside.

“T-Tendou-senpai saw you!!”

Tsutomu doesn’t follow him. He’s just standing there in the doorway, eyes wide, face flushed.

Hayato turns around, blinking at him.

“Don’t you wanna come in?”

“I … Is this really okay??”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

Hayato looks around and he realises that his room – he shares it with Jin, who sadly isn’t any more organised than him – looks awful. There are clothes lying around, and empty wrappers of whatever sweets Jin snacked on yesterday while doing his homework, and on top of Hayato’s desk lies a pair of dirty boxer shorts he now wishes he had thrown into the laundry this morning.

The silence stretches between them, before Tsutomu cautiously steps inside.

“Thank you, senpai!! Pardon for the intrusion!!”

“Tsutomu, relax,” Hayato laughs shakily and tries to sneak to his desk. He eyes his bed, realises the covers are dishevelled, but at least there are no dirty pieces of clothing. “You can sit down on my bed if you want to.”

Tsutomu visibly shakes with … pride, or excitement, or something like that, Hayato isn’t sure. Somehow, it makes his heart clench a little. While Tsutomu turns around, he hurriedly grabs his boxer shorts and stuffs them into the laundry bag sitting beside his desk.

“Senpai?”

“Just call me Hayato.”

Then, with a heavy sigh, Hayato plops down onto his bed right beside Tsutomu, who sits as straight as someone who fears to get scolded for slouching.

“I … I … Uh … Hay….Ha… _uhm_ … I mean, I wanted to ask – why did you get into a fight? It doesn’t seem like you, Ha… senpai!!”

Hayato can’t help but snicker. He musters the tense back of Goshiki Tsutomu whose gaze is darting around the room before he turns around to look at him a little closer.

“It was … nothing. Just some jerk saying dumb stuff, really.”

“But that’s not a good reason to get yourself hurt for!” Tsutomu scolds. He scrunches his nose ( _as if he just realised the room was a little smelly because neither Hayato nor Jin had bothered to let some fresh air in since yesterday evening_ ). “How will you play volleyball with your face hurt like this!! Promise me to not do this again, please!! It must be painful! … Is it painful, senpai?”

Hayato blinks up at him as Tsutomu scoots a little closer to look at his face worriedly.

He sees how he squints his eyes as if he tries to make out if Hayato is more injured than he admitted he was. Hayato can’t help but stare. This ridiculous hair cut is _really_ cute on Tsutomu.

“See, I don’t think I have to bother with that,” Hayato finally says, prying his gaze away and closing his eyes. But he thinks he can _feel_ Tsutomu’s eyes on his face and somehow, it makes him uneasy.

He feels his cheeks getting warm ( _the injured one a little more than before, throbbing unpleasantly and suddenly he wishes he hadn’t declined the pain killers the school’s nurse had offered him_ ). “I’m suspended from club activities for three weeks.”

He expects Tsutomu to yell something, like he always does, but there is – nothing.

When he opens his eyes, he sees his kouhai chewing on his lip, seemingly deep in thought. Somehow, this sets Hayato’s nerves even more on fire.

“I … I’m sorry?” He offers. “I just snapped and … whatever. It’s not the end of the world, right. I will be back in three weeks and until then, I’ll just … do cardio workout or something in the meantime.”

Tsutomu opens his mouth and closes it without saying a single word. Then, he smiles, and it’s not the bright, beaming kind of smile he’s shown everyone so far, but a fragile one.

It breaks through Hayato’s walls with ease, burning inside of his ribcage like he just drank acid.

[4]

It’s not until a few weeks later, with Hayato being back at practise, that he realises he can’t forget this tiny, fragile smile.

He isn’t sure why, though.

Tsutomu is a sweet kouhai, yes. And everyone likes him, even if he’s annoying sometimes. That’s okay, that’s just how he is. There’s nothing wrong with being excited over the smallest things.

Honestly, Hayato thinks it’s kind of endearing.

But he can’t stop reaching for him.

When he stumbles at practise.

When he asks for help while putting up the net.

When he searches for a place to eat at lunch at and can’t find a free table.

When he needs help with English homework.

When he tries to put on his binder too hastily after a shower and the tight fabric refuses to be put on neatly. And Hayato, even though he’s not an expert, did some research on wearing binders as to support his kouhai.

He knows that the fabric should not throw any folds.

“Hey, c’mere,” he says before he can think about it.

Tsutomu stands beside him in their locker room, freshly emerged from the showers he just had for himself – because while everyone accepts him as a boy, all of them also realise it might be somewhat uncomfortable for Goshiki to shower with them, so they just … try their best to shower as fast as possible, so that Tsutomu can have the whole bathroom for himself. Even though he said they didn’t have to ( _but, honestly, Hayato is kind of glad. He never felt weird about seeing his teammates naked, and he doesn’t think it’s because Tsutomu is transgender, but he thinks …. he thinks this is … different for him_ ).

Hayato clears his throat and blinks a few times as to get rid of the mental image of a naked Goshiki Tsutomu taking a shower. He feels his cheeks heating up a little but decides to ignore it.

Tsutomu blinks at him in surprise.

When Hayato makes a motion with his hand to turn around, Tsutomu complies.

“Can I touch you?” Hayato is surprised at how hoarse his voice sounds.

Tsutomu doesn’t say anything, but he nods fiercely, so Hayato extends a hand and – helps him with his binder.

His fingers sneak beneath the fabric, smoothing it down. He touches Tsutomu’s skin, warm, and still a little damp, and his fingers tremble. Though why, he cannot fathom.

“There you go,” he rasps once the fabric sits on his torso like a second skin.

He doesn’t even mind Goshiki almost crashing his head into Hayato’s when he turns around to bow down deeply to thank him.

It’s cute, really.

[5]

At night, Hayato dreams.

It goes like this:

He enters the showers after practise, but there is nobody besides him and Goshiki. And he wonders, because where are the others, and why didn’t Tsutomu wait until he was finished, too?

But somehow, he’s unable to look away, or to turn around. He’s faintly aware of himself wearing only a towel around his waist.

“Tsutomu?”

His kouhai turns around, and Hayato _sees_ him and _oh God_ he is so beautiful. With his hair wet, and his light skin glistening, surrounded by the mist of the hot water coming out of the tap, he looks almost ethereal.

Hayato feels like an intruder, like he shouldn’t see this. He should not stare at Tsutomu’s naked body like this, shouldn’t feel like –

“Hayato,” he says, calling him by his given name and _Oh God,_ suddenly, it doesn’t matter what he should and should not be doing right now.

He feels his heart’s pace pick up and comes closer, closer, _closer_.

There’s heat pooling somewhere down his waistline. He feels the burning sensation of arousal as he closes in, and Tsutomu’s hand finds his way onto his waist, fumbling with the towel.

They don’t speak.

Tsutomu steals the breath from his lips, not quite touching, but close enough that Hayato can almost feel it.

He wants – _something_.

Wants Goshiki to grab him and push him against the cold tiles of the bathroom. He wants him to press himself against Hayato’s body, touching him, feeling him. Letting himself drown in the sensation of strong fingers pressing against his most sensitive spots. He _wants him_ –

The second Tsutomu presses his lips on Hayato’s, he can’t help but moan. It’s the last pushover his kouhai needed. Now, he's pushing him forward, pressing him against the wall, just like Hayato imagined.

The hand on his waist manages to loosen the knot of Hayato’s towel, and when Tsutomu presses his thigh beneath his bare legs, Hayato sighs his name like a prayer and lets himself fall into the heavenly touch.

( _What he doesn’t know is, Jin lies awake in his bed because he keeps playing a game on his smartphone. When he hears Hayato shuffle restlessly, he shoots him a look, but doesn’t think anything of it. When he silently moans in his sleep, Jin freezes. And then, he groans “Tsutomu”, and Jin is pretty sure he doesn’t want to witness Hayato coming into his pants due to some sexy dream he has of Goshiki Tsutomu. So, Jin does the only thing he can think of in such a situation. He screeches high-pitched, grabs his Agumon plushie and throws it at Hayato’s head_.)

[6]

Thank God Jin is a nice person, and trustworthy on top, so Hayato can be sure he won’t tell anyone about what happened.

Thank God Jin thinks he avoided witnessing how Hayato comes into his pants because of Goshiki Tsutomu.

Thank God Hayato already threw his clothes for the next day into their small, shared bathroom before he went to sleep.

Thank God Jin thinks he’s just taking a piss, when in reality, he cleans up the mess he made in his pants and tries to Not Faint because Jesus fucking Christ, what was that dream?

Yeah. Thank God.

[7]

Maybe he likes him a little.

When they lose against Karasuno, and the chance of going to nationals slips through their fingers like dry sand, he’s there to comfort Goshiki. He doesn’t allow himself to cry, even though this was their last chance to play in an official tournament together – his, and Wakatoshi’s, and Satori’s, and Semi’s, and Reon’s.

Maybe he likes Tsutomu a little, and maybe that’s why he tries to cheer him up so desperately.

He asks if they want to eat lunch together, outside, even if it’s cold. Still, the sun is shining, and maybe it will help Tsutomu feeling better.

Maybe Tsutomu will smile when he offers him a tako sausage ( _and yes, maybe he did spend some time in the communal kitchen of his dormitory this morning as to prepare a bento, so he could ask Tsutomu to have lunch with him outside of the cafeteria. But he would not admit that to anyone, ever_ ).

They sit, and talk, and Tsutomu goes on and on and on about volleyball. Hayato thinks he can never get enough of this.

He picks up a tako sausage from his bento box and offers it to Tsutomu as casually as possible.

But it doesn’t work, because suddenly, Tsutomu goes very silent and very stiff and stares at the food like it’s some sort of cursed object.

Hayato starts sweating like crazy, but he can’t put it back now, can he?

“You want one?” He asks when Tsutomu doesn’t make a move to take it.

He can watch him starting to blush.

First, it creeps up his neck, then his cheeks, then his tiny nose. Tsutomu blushes so fiercely Hayato almost starts to believe he will faint.

But he doesn’t.

“Y-yes senpai!!” he whisper-shouts, same as always, leaning forward and taking the whole sausage into his mouth.

Hayato only stares at him, at the way his chopsticks disappear in Goshiki’s mouth. He pulls back, chews approximately 0,5 times and then swallows it almost whole.

For a second Hayato is sure he has to rescue him from choking on an octopus sausage, but Tsutomu manages to swallow it, and then, with his face beet-red, grins at him and says: “Thank you!! It’s delicious!!”

Hayato can’t help but start laughing and somehow, it eases Tsutomu’s tense shoulders a little, and the next piece Hayato offers from his bento, Tsutomu takes with a little more grace.

It feels fucking fantastic, Hayato thinks.

[8]

Sometime around February, he realises that it was a blatant lie.

After seeing Semi and Reon getting together, he realised that maybe he doesn’t _like_ Tsutomu.

He watches his friends and he’s so envious, he wants to have this, too, he wants to hold hands and kiss and cuddle and all that shit.

No, he doesn’t like Goshiki Tsutomu.

He’s in _love_ and he really doesn’t know what to do with this.

Not just because he doesn’t know how Tsutomu feels about him, but also because … what’s the point when he’s about to graduate soon, anyways? He’s already chosen a university to enter, which he got into by a sports scholarship. He will live and study in a city which is a two-hour ride away ( _if you take the Shinkansen, that is_ ).

Even though Tsutomu and he got quite close over the past couple of months, he realises he has no idea if Tsutomu likes him like _that_. He doesn’t even know if he likes boys.

It’s frustrating.

“Heeey space boy~”, someone sing-songs beside him and when Hayato looks up, he sees Satori watching him intently.

“Huh?”

“Can I sit here, cutie pie?”

“Satori, what the fuck.”

Hayato can’t help but laugh. He makes an inviting motion towards the free space beside him on the bench – it’s practise and they’re just taking a break – and waits until his friend plops down.

“So,” Satori begins as he stretches his arms. “Have you noticed?”

Hayato furrows his eyebrows and tries to think about what on earth Satori might be talking about.

“Noticed … what?”

Satori cackles lightly and makes a motion towards their teammates. “Taichi-kun and Wakatoshi-kun.”

Hayato follows his gaze and stares at them. Talking. Like. Nothing else, just … talking.

“A-and?”

Satori blinks slowly.

“They’re talking, Hayato-kun.”

“Well, yes, I see, but what’s … _oh_ …”

“Yes, _oh_ , exactly.”

They are _talking_ , like, for real. Taichi’s mouth is _moving_ , forming words, and Wakatoshi smiles a little, what the _fuck_.

“Satori, what is going on? What the heck?”

“Maybe it’s the spring vibes? Valentine’s Day approaching? Who knows, sweetheart, who knows.”

“Can you, uh … maybe stop calling me nicknames? It’s kinda creepy …”

“Oh!” Satori suddenly says, turning his head towards Hayato, looking at him with wide eyes. “So, you don’t want me to call you cute pet names all of a sudden?”

“Satori you never …”

“Is it because of our sweet little baby boy Tsutomu?”

“Uh …”

“Aha!”

Hayato can’t help but flush horribly at this. He thought he had been … kind of subtle, but then again, this is Satori and he literally always catches on the smallest of hints. Hayato really can’t be blamed.

“Are you two together?”

“ _What_?! Wh-why would you think we’re together? Jesus, Satori, we’re just friends!”

Satori just hums in response but says nothing apart from … that.

It makes Hayato more uneasy than any response he could’ve gotten from his friend.

“I mean … I … might … like him, or something – I will strangle you if you tell anyone, by the way – but I don’t know if he likes me the same way? I mean we spend a lot of time together, right, but that’s just because we’re friends.”

“Right,” Satori says.

Hayato tenses visibly.

“So, you think he only likes me as a friend?” As hard as he tries to sound casual, he fails. Miserably.

Satori snickers.

“You know … I think you should try to _do_ something, Hayato-kun. It’s not like you to be so shy!”

“I should … but … what should I do?”

“I don’t know?” Satori supplies, as helpful as always. “Just take him out, go to the movies, yawn, and put your arm around his shoulders, kiss his cute little button nose or whatever.”

“I – I can’t just – _kiss_ him!” Hayato feels his face getting hot.

“Yeah, I mean you should tell him you’re about to kiss his nose beforehand, right, but still. Do something, yes? I thought my favourite libero was a little more courageous.”

Hayato is too stressed out to give a witty reply. He just stares at Satori, then, his eyes search for Tsutomu, who is just drinking some water.

“Think about it, baby cakes~”

[9]

“Yamagata-senpai?”

Hayato blinks at Tsutomu.

“Yes?”

“Do you … do you see me as a boy?”

Again, he just blinks at him. Taking in all the small details. His face, which is a bit pale. The bags under his eyes. His somewhat swollen lip, as if he’d spent hours and hours on end with chewing on them nervously. How he fiddles with the hem of his shirt.

“Tsutomu! Why would I not? Of course! You _are_ a boy!”

He opens his mouth, just to close it again, sucking his lower lip between his teeth and biting down. It looks so painful, Hayato can’t help but reach out to him. He doesn’t think about what he’s doing until his index finger touches the corner of Tsutomu’s mouth.

With a wet plop, Tsutomu releases his lip, mouth slightly agape.

Hayato stares and stares and stares at his reddening lip, watching his finger move and touching, stroking it gently.

“Don’t,” he rasps. “Don’t hurt yourself, Tsutomu …”

( _It would’ve been the perfect moment; he realises sometime later. He could’ve said something. Could’ve kissed him. But all he did was jerking his hand away, blushing so furiously he thought he might get a fever and stammering a very lame and very stupid advice, like, you will get dry lips and when they crack, it will hurt!, and Gods. Gods, he cringes even thinking about this. Why is he always such a mess with Tsutomu around?)_

[10]

He can’t believe he’s asking Satori for dating advice.

Tendou Satori, of all people.

But he’s the only one who knows about his crush on Tsutomu, so what can he do? There aren’t any other options. He doesn’t want Semi or Reon to know, because … what if Tsutomu doesn’t like him back? It would be embarrassing, right? Also, they’re so happy together and disgustingly lovey-dovey, he can’t take that right now.

So. He asks Satori, really. He’s desperate.

“You gotta be cool, Hayato! Do something!”

“Something like _what_ exactly, huh?!” He groans. “I don’t _know_ what to do! You’re supposed to tell me, Satori!”

“OK, right. Tendou-senpai is here to help you. So, here’s what …”

“Satori we’re both in 3rd grade, you’re not my senpai.”

“Semantics. You’re still our grade’s baby,” Tendou reassures. He gives him a lazy grin and continues, “anyways, you gotta be cool is what I wanted to say. Next time you feed him your self-prepared bento, tell him there’s something stuck on his lip and kiss him or something. He’d love it!”

Hayato just stares at him, pondering if he should slap some sense into his friend, or get up and leave.

“Or you could gift him a pair of socks. I know it worked for someone else, so maybe …”

 _Or_ , Hayato thinks while getting up without a word and leaving Satori alone in his room, _I should confess. I should tell Tsutomu that I like him, and if he doesn’t like me back, it’s fine, too. We’re still friends. It will be alright._

[11]

“Tsutomu,” he says. His voice is shaking slightly, but he tries to not let it show too much. “Can we talk?”

It’s lunch break, and he’s standing in Tsutomu’s classroom. The other first years are staring at him with wide eyes, as if he was some sort of monster. It’s unnerving, to say the least.

Tsutomu blinks at him, and when he realises everyone is staring at them, he blushes so furiously that it looks like … well, exactly like what this is. A plea to talk alone – to confess. But, Hayato thinks, if it weren’t for Tsutomu’s reaction, nobody would’ve guessed anything, right? He is a boy, and Tsutomu, too. Totally not suspicious. Also, both are in the volleyball team. Nothing too unusual. But still.

Tsutomu blushes, and then he nods, and whisper-shouts: “Of course, Yamagata-senpai!!”

One or two classmates around them snicker as Tsutomu gets up and follows Hayato out. Even he can’t help but blush faintly. He tries to not let it show too much, though.

He’s horribly nervous.

As they reach the outside, Hayato looks around. It’s cold and grey. Not the best weather to maybe get his heart broken. But then again, who knows what the outcome of this will be?

He had tossed and turned throughout the whole night, unable to fall asleep. It was one of those nights in which he was so restless that Jin got up sometime around 2am and laid down beside him in his small bed. He had gripped Hayato’s hand and like that, they had fallen asleep.

Sometimes, Jin’s calm presence is the only thing that helps him falling asleep at night.

He once again thanks the Gods for his amazing roommate and friend, before chancing a glance at Tsutomu, whose face is still beet red.

“W-where are we going, senpai?” He asks, a slight quiver to his voice.

Hayato bites his lip.

“Uhm … let’s … let’s go over there.” He points at a lonely bench near their now empty gym. There aren’t any people outside and the place is deserted, and far enough away from the school building, to give them some privacy.

It’s not like they should sit down, but they do it anyways. The wood is ice cold but neither of them really notices.

Tsutomu sits stiffly, back straight, hands clenched into fists. Still, Hayato can see them shaking.

“Hey, Tsutomu,” he says and forces a laugh. “No need to be nervous. It’s nothing bad.” _At least I hope so._

“Yes, Yamagata-senpai!!” He exclaims, taking a deep breath but not relaxing in any way. “What is wrong, senpai? Can I help you with something?”

Tsutomu looks at him, sudden worry in his eyes, and musters his appearance. If Hayato had to guess, he’d say he looks horrible.

“Oh, uh, no … No, It’s alright, I … uh …”

As Tsutomu stares at him like this, he feels his heart beating faster and faster. His mind is blank. What was he planning on saying? He didn’t spend the half of the night staring at his ceiling for nothing, didn’t he? He had a plan. But right now, everything is just … gone.

“Are you sure, senpai? You look very pale!! Should I bring you to the infirmary?”

“No, Tsutomu, it’s not …”

“Are you having a fever? Your cheeks are turning red!! Yamagata-senpai, come on, I’ll bring you-“

“Tsutomu, no, listen-“

“What if it gets worse?? You need to rest! Let’s go, yes? It’s too cold outside!!”

“Jesus. Tsutomu, please, I don’t …”

His kouhai gets up, grabbing his wrist and pulling him onto his feet. Then, he starts dragging him towards the building in which the infirmary is located.

“I will take care of you, senpai!! It’s reckless to walk around while-“

“I’m gay!” Hayato blurts out.

Then, there’s silence.

Tsutomu stops dead in his tracks, turning around and staring at him.

Hayato can’t help it. His face feels so hot, he must be as red as a fire hydrant. Shit. This is not what he was planning on saying. Where the heck did that come from?!

“You … are gay?”

“Uh! I … uhm … well … yes? I … think?”

 _Someone kill me_ , he silently begs. _Please. I don’t care who, or how. I just want to drop down dead. Now._

“Ah, o-ok, senpai … Is … that what you wanted to tell me, then?” Tsutomu blinks rapidly, obviously confused and not sure what to think of this situation.

“Uh … Actually … I didn’t plan on saying that, but … ah … uh …” _Come on, grit your teeth and get to it!_ “I … uh … there is … I wanted …”

Suddenly, he is very much aware of the fact that Tsutomu is still holding him by the wrist. He stares at his long, slender fingers and feels his heart rate pick up even more.

This is ridiculous.

He never felt like this before. It’s messing with his head, his sleep, his everything. Maybe Satori had been right, maybe he should just kiss Tsutomu.

But … he could never make him uncomfortable like this. He cares too much for Tsutomu. He just wants him to be happy.

Hayato takes a deep breath, still looking at Tsutomu’s fingers around his wrist. Then, he raises his other hand, touching him slightly, way too soft for a casual touch.

Tsutomu startles, his fingers twitch, but he doesn’t move when he feels Hayato putting his hand on his own.

“I … wanted to tell you something.” He says, looking up and catching in Tsutomu’s gaze. “If anything of what I am going to say makes you uncomfortable, please know it’s totally fine to just … tell me to shut up and go away. I don’t want you to feel obligated to listen to me … saying stuff you don’t like.”

“O-ok? What is wrong, senpai?”

Again, Hayato takes a deep breath. He tries to smile, but it probably looks horribly insecure.

“I … I kind of … like you?”

“You … what?”

“I like you,” Hayato repeats, voice a little steadier this time. He eases his grip on Tsutomu’s hand to give him the chance to back away.

Right now, he can’t really decipher the look on his teammate’s face. He is blushing hard, but apart from that, just stares at him wide-eyed. So, Hayato – nervous as he is – keeps on talking.

“Like … I can’t stop thinking about you. When you smile at me, my heart feels like leaping out of my chest. I want to … protect you and be with you and hold your hand. I can’t even sleep at night anymore because I-“ _Oh God, Hayato, stop talking!!_ , he thinks desperately, but his mouth doesn’t stop moving, “I dream of you all the time and wake up in the middle of the night, unable to fall asleep again because all I can think about is you and how I want you in my arms and beside me and-“

“Senpai!!” Tsutomu interrupts him. “But … you said you were gay?” His voice sounds so insecure. Quivering, unsteady. It’s totally unlike him.

Also, Hayato doesn’t understand the question. He blinks at him confusedly, let’s go of Tsutomu’s hand and feels his grip loosen around his wrist.

They’re standing in front of each other, staring, both unsure, uneasy. Somehow, this is not like Hayato planned his confession to be like. It feels like there’s a stone in his gut.

Shit, maybe confessing wasn’t the right idea.

But then again, he couldn’t have kept quiet any longer, even if he wanted.

“I … yes?” He says slowly. “I am?”

“But …” Tsutomu bites his lip again. This time, Hayato doesn’t reach out, because – what if he doesn’t want to be touched now that he knows of Hayato’s feelings? The thought hurts so bad that he closes his eyes for a second.

“But I am … _me_ ”, Tsutomu tries to explain. “I am … transgender. You know. Why would you like me? I don’t … I don’t understand …”

Startled, Hayato opens his eyes again.

“Tsutomu! What the fuck? You are a boy. I am gay. I like you. Why would you say that?”

“But I don’t …” Tsutomu’s face reddens even more, he gestures vaguely as to emphasise … something Hayato doesn’t understand, but he will definitely not ask. He feels this might be even more embarrassing.

“You are a boy,” Hayato says again. “A beautiful, kind and sweet boy. You’re strong. And so handsome it pains me. Jesus, Tsutomu … I like you in the most homosexual way, got it? I’m sorry. If it makes you uncomfortable, I will try to … get rid of these feelings, or whatever. We can stay friends, it’s fine with me. I don’t want to lose you as a friend, you know. But … don’t you ever dare implying I could be anything but gay. I didn’t go through twelve different gay crises for nothing.”

This makes him chuckle and gasp at the same time, but at least Tsutomu doesn’t look as defeated as before.

He takes a deep breath before coming a little closer, body vibrating, eyes now gleaming.

“You mean it, senpai?”

“Of course I mean it,” Hayato says. Suddenly, he feels his mouth go dry. Tsutomu is so close. What is he supposed to do, now? What will his answer be?

“Tsutomu?” He rasps.

His teammate looks at him, gulping visibly and then, a smile so sweet and fragile forms on his lips that it takes Hayato’s breath away.

“Thank you,” he says. “For … making sure I get it the right way. For accepting me as a boy. For liking me, despite being … different. I was scared, you … you … only said you liked me because I was not a real boy. I was really scared, senpai. But now I’m … I’m happy! Because I like Yamagata-senpai, too. But I never thought you … you could like me back!”

And suddenly, Hayato realises that saying he’s gay, emphasising he is a boy who likes boys, was something very important. He just wasn’t aware of it, because for him, Tsutomu is just that – a boy. A beautiful one, a kind one, a loud, a boisterous, and a sensitive one. A boy he likes so much that his heart almost bursts.

“You … like me?”

Tsutomu shudders slightly, before nodding with too much enthusiasm, as always.

“Yes!! I do!”

Hayato looks at him with something like wonder in his eyes.

This is the boy who stole the breath from his lips numerous times, with his smiles and laughter and glances.

His eyes are as dark as a night-time ocean, and now, they’re taking him in, pulling him forth like a flood. Mercilessly, but oh-so beautiful.

Hayato stares at Goshiki and he _can’t_ , he just _can’t stop himself_ from reaching for him, index finger softly touching his cheek, stroking down, caressing his chin.

Tsutomu’s smile falters, breath hitching to something like a strangled sob.

“Yamagata-senpai,” he breathes, as Hayato leans forward.

“Can I kiss you?” He asks.

His voice is shaking so badly he fears Tsutomu might not have heard him, but his teammate bites his lip in response for a second, licking it the next moment, then: “Y-yes … please! Kiss me, senpai!”

Hayato can’t help, he breathes a smile onto Tsutomu’s mouth before closing in, softly pressing lips onto lips and _maybe_ the world stops spinning for a few seconds, just for them.

He pulls away after a few moments, not daring to move his lips much against Tsutomu’s. It feels so fragile, touching him like this.

So fragile, but amazing at the same time. So new, but still, it feels like home.

When Tsutomu chases his lips with his own and kisses him again, Hayato sighs shakily and lets himself fall into the tender touch.

[12]

“Wow,” Azuma says, and his facial expression almost seems like a sympathetic one. “You trying to woo that freak or something?”

No matter how hard Hayato tries to wrap his head around this, he doesn’t know where he went wrong.

He managed to not see this asshole for months but somehow … somehow, he took the wrong turn, and ended up in front of their club room too early, and somehow Azuma was just standing there, too.

“Like … you hang out with her all the time and shit. I think this is pretty disgusting. Don’t you agree?”

Hayato does a lot of things but agreeing is far from it. He is disgusted by this guy, is tempted to break his nose again, is about to throw hands. But then, he remembers.

 _Promise me to not do this again, please_ , Tsutomu has said. Hayato didn’t respond back then, but he knew he would do it. He would keep a promise when it was Tsutomu who asked him to keep it.

“No,” he finally says, voice calm except for an almost inaudible quiver. “I don’t.”

“I still think you’re all a bunch of fucking freaks for letting a girl play with you, you know.”

Hayato could say a lot of things, but he doesn’t. He _promised_.

“He’s a valuable player of our team and he will be our next ace.”

“Your fucking _sick_ you weirdo …”

“Well, well~”

Suddenly, the door to their club room opens, a slight crack revealing a dark red, hooded eye.

 _Satori_.

Hayato is ready to scream, to punch a wall and to laugh, all at the same time, because somehow, he feels a lot better now, knowing he isn’t alone with this asshole anymore.

Satori would help him to stay calm.

“Look what the cat dragged in …” Satori singsongs while coming out of their club room and staring at Azuma without blinking. “A cockroach? _Mhhhhh_ Hayato-kun what should we do now? _Squish_ it?”

Hayato can’t help but grin, and maybe it looks just as creepy as Satori’s smile right now.

“I don’t think I want cockroach intestines sticking to the floor in front our club room,” he replies. “I don’t want anyone to slip and fall. Can’t have that, can we?”

Azuma stares at them with a mixture of disgust and uneasiness.

“Fuck, you’re sick,” he grunts before turning around and heading away.

Satori’s cackling follows him until he’s out of earshot.

It’s only then that Hayato allows himself to ease up a little.

“Thanks, Satori,” he sighs.

His friend only hums lightly.

“No problem, Hayato-kun, no problem~ … what’s this guy’s problem, anyway?”

Hayato opens his mouth, but then he realises he doesn’t want to repeat a single word this asshole ever said. It’s not worth it. As long as he can protect Tsutomu’s smile, it’s alright. He will keep those nasty words to himself until they dissolve and vanish forever.

“Nothing. He’s just bored I guess.”

Satori eyes him for some time, then he smiles and shrugs.

“Well then, if you say so.”

[13]

“Tsutomu? Do you remember the fight I got in when you were new in our club?”

The boy in his arms shifts slightly, snuggling closer, pressing his face into the crook of his neck.

They’re lying in his bed while watching a movie none of them is really paying attention to.

“Yes,” he whispers, almost asleep, “I remember.”

“I won, you know.” Hayato can’t help but smile as he buries his face in his boyfriend’s silky hair. “Victory was mine, in the end.”

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/irrlichtermeer)!


End file.
